”

“I love you. Unconditionally. Hopelessly.  You have no idea what impact you have on me. You, and only you, make me feel alive. It’s you who makes me want to live life to the fullest. When I look into your eyes, I feel safe. You understand the things I don’t say. You take care of me like no one EVER can. I feel I’m in heaven when I’m with you. Believe me when I say this, I’m crazy for you. I love you. And I can say this infinite number of times, if that’s what it takes for you to believe me.”

Sometimes it’s just impossible to imagine if such kind of LOVE even exists. What if all of it is happening in my dream? Is it too good to be true?

If not, then, why Goodbye?

The day I realized that the person I love, is not the person I get to spend my whole life with, is the day I felt like I have woken up from an overdose and  yet  I’m still alive. Seemed like I have a soul, but my heart has been ripped out.

I couldn’t get up. It felt like I’m falling, in an infinite blind space, where there was no end, no one to catch me, no one to pick me up. Took a LOT of time to realize, that yes, I’m alive. Because killing me won’t be enough. I bet God  is searching for even more a torturous way to kill me. Are you, God, ARE YOU?

Those tears. Those Sleepless nights. Those scared thoughts. Those insecurities. How I would have loved to turn back time right at that moment, and just UNDO every fucking thing I’ve done to face this ! But, I couldn’t. I wouldn’t have. I don’t regret it. Not even one bit. He makes me complete.

It WAS love. It IS love. Something I can never change. I can never change the way I feel for him. Because I know how much I care. Everyone says Love hurts. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. But Love? No, it does not.

And now, I’m scared. Scared of being emotionally attached to the people in my life. Scared if something goes wrong, it will be so difficult to let those people go. And I won’t be able to help it. What if I screw up again?  No matter how much I apologize, it won’t EVER be enough. I push people away, before I let them get close to me. It feels easy. I’m just so good at pissing people off. Making them go out of my life. Pushing them away. Sometimes I don’t even have to try.

Every day I can feel my heart slowly dying inside. I feel vulnerable, weak, suffocated, misunderstood. My old wounds never forget to remind me that loving someone, giving them the power to hurt me, will NEVER pay off well.

Every day I try to be strong. To just give people who care for me a little extra credit, for keeping me alive. Each memory slowly fading away. My heart aches with every trace of every memory going away. And then one day, it’ll be like, they never existed.

But there is some force binding me to him. I can’t let go. Every time I think of him, I’m lost. In his eyes which makes every thing so simple. Which tell me that they love me. Which tell me that the love will shut down, only when these eyes will close forever. And that’s when the pain becomes pleasure. I start enjoying it. What if I let go, and then nothing is left. I lose him forever. Every thing just ends there. What will I hold onto?  What if I never find true love? What if this was true love, and I’m just throwing it away? Maybe I should try harder. No one can Love him, the way I do, does he not know? How long before you let go of something you know has no chances of survival?

I know I’m letting this get to me more than I should. But there will be a day. When I shut myself to every thing. No amounts of feelings will affect me.

There will be closure.

“Now I know we said things, did things that we didn’t mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper’s just as bad as mine is
You’re the same as me
But when it comes to love you’re just as blinded
Baby, please come back
It wasn’t you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn’t as crazy as it seems
Maybe that’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don’t you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I’m pissed, I’ll lay my fist at the drywall
Next time. There won’t be no next time
I apologize even though I know its lies
I’m tired of the games I just want her back
I know I’m a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
Im’a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire.”